Is your toddler biting and the nursery complaining? Why biting happens between ages 1 and 3, how to respond in the moment and how to work with the teacher.
At pick-up time, the teacher takes you aside and lowers her voice: "Today he bit a friend again." That evening, a photo of a child with teeth marks on their arm is shared in the parents' messaging group, and even though no names are given, you feel that everyone knows who is being talked about. At home, meanwhile, the same child suddenly bites your shoulder while hugging you, and laughs. When toddler biting becomes an issue, parents feel both embarrassment and worry: "Is my child aggressive? Why is it only them who bites?" Yet biting is a behaviour seen very often, especially between the ages of one and three, and it usually has developmental causes. In this article we look at the different reasons behind biting, how you can respond in the moment and what path you can follow together with the nursery.
What Is Biting Behaviour and at What Ages Does It Appear?
Biting is seen most between the ages of one and three, that is, in the period when a child's language skills are still limited but their emotions are very intense. For a child of this age, the mouth is one of the most important tools for exploring the world, comforting themselves and expressing themselves. As speech develops and the child becomes able to explain their needs in words, biting generally decreases by itself.
Biting is noticed more often in a nursery setting. This is because many children of the same age compete in a limited space for the same toys and the attention of the same adult. What's more, none of them can yet talk well enough to say, "This is mine, give it to me!" So it is not surprising for biting incidents to happen from time to time in a nursery class.
Toddler Biting: What Could Be the Reasons?
There is no single reason for biting, and the same child may bite for different reasons in different situations. Understanding the reason is the first step in choosing the right approach.
Teething and the need to use the mouth: A teething baby or a child who has just started walking may bite anything they can get hold of, sometimes an arm, to relieve discomfort in their gums.
Exploration and curiosity about cause and effect: Young children also get to know the world through their mouths. When they bite, the other person shouting or crying can be an interesting "result" for the child. At this stage the child does not yet fully grasp that they are hurting someone else.
Being thwarted and frustration: A child whose toy is taken from them, whose turn doesn't come or who can't reach what they want may bite when they can't find the words to express their anger. This is the most common reason.
Communication: Some children try to say "Stay away", "This is mine" or "Look at me" by biting. In children whose speech is behind that of their peers, biting may last longer. If you have concerns about this, our article on speech delay may be helpful.
Overstimulation and tiredness: A crowded, noisy classroom, hunger before lunch or increasing tiredness as nap time approaches reduce the child's capacity to regulate themselves.
Love and excitement: Some children bite when they are very happy or excited. A child who suddenly bites their parent's shoulder while hugging them often doesn't know how to show an overflowing love.
Change and stress: Starting nursery, a new sibling, moving house or a change of carer can bring out or increase biting. For suggestions on settling into nursery, see our article on the nursery settling-in process.
What to Do at the Moment of Biting
When biting happens, your response determines what the child will learn from this behaviour. For both the child who was bitten and the child who bit, a calm and brief intervention is most effective.
Set a short, clear limit
Gently separate the child from where they bit, get down to their eye level and speak in a calm but firm voice: "No biting. Biting hurts." Long explanations don't work at this age; a short sentence that is repeated sticks better.
Turn your attention to the child who was bitten
Comfort the child who was bitten and look at where they were bitten. You can also involve the child who bit in this process: "Look, your friend got hurt, they're crying. Come on, let's bring them a cushion." In this way the child sees that their behaviour has a consequence and takes part in making amends.
Name the feeling
Once the child has calmed down, put into words what led to the biting: "He took your toy, and you got really angry." This gives the child words they can use in future.
Show an alternative
"When you're angry you can say 'No!'", "You can put your hand up like this and say 'Stop!'" If the need to bite comes from the mouth, offer safe things they can bite: a teething ring, a chilled teether or a crunchy food. Saying "No biting your friend, but you can bite this" redirects the need without rejecting it.
What to avoid
- Biting back: Biting the child "so they see how it feels" teaches them that problems are solved by biting. This is commonly heard but harmful advice.
- Scolding or shouting for a long time: An intense reaction makes the behaviour even more interesting for some children.
- Labelling them a "biter": Using this word in front of the child can lead them to define themselves this way.
- Putting something bitter or sour in their mouth: Such practices are punitive, can irritate the child's mouth area and do not address the cause of the behaviour.
If Your Toddler Is Biting and the Nursery Is Complaining: Working with the Teacher
Biting at nursery is the situation parents find hardest, because you don't see the incident, you only hear about its result. What's more, the reaction of other parents, the teacher's concern and the possibility that your child will be seen as "a problem" make this process even heavier.
When building cooperation with the teacher, the following steps help:
Listen without getting defensive. Saying "He never does it at home" is an understandable reaction; but the teacher's observations are the most valuable information for finding the source of the behaviour.
Look for the pattern together. At what times does the biting happen? Before lunch, during transitions between activities, at the crowded free-play time? Is it always with the same child, or around a particular toy? You can ask the teacher to keep brief notes for a few days.
Make a preventive plan. Once the pattern has been identified, simple measures can be taken, for example a small snack before lunch if hunger is a factor, or the teacher staying close to the child at risky times if crowding is a factor.
Use the same language. Using the same short sentence and the same alternatives at home and at nursery speeds up learning.
Share progress. Talking about the days without biting too keeps up both the teacher's motivation and your own.
Review the morning goodbye. Long, tearful goodbyes at the nursery door can lead some children to start the day tense. A short, predictable and warm goodbye ritual, for example the same sentence, a kiss and a wave, helps the child enter the classroom more calmly. A day that starts calmly also reduces the risk of biting.
A small child who bites usually means no harm; they are expressing with their mouth a feeling that does not yet fit into words.
Imagine a twenty-month-old boy who starts biting his friends a few weeks after starting nursery. When the teacher and family observe together, they notice that the biting happens almost always just before lunch, in the minutes when the children crowd in front of the sink to wash their hands. The teacher puts the child first in line at that time and gives him a small teething ring to hold; the family also make his breakfast a little more filling. Within a few weeks the biting incidents become rare, and over time the child learns to say "Stop!" to his friend.
Biting at Home: Biting Parents, Siblings and During Play
Some children never bite at nursery but bite their mother, father or sibling at home. Because home is where the child feels most at ease, it is where they test limits the most.
Biting while showing affection: In Turkey, many adults playfully nibble a baby's cheek or hand and say "Yerim seni!" ("I could eat you up!"). This loving game can also teach a small child that biting is a show of affection. Then there is surprise when the child applies the same affection "for real" to their grandmother's arm or their sibling's cheek. During a biting phase, it helps to take a break from these kinds of games and teach the child to show love through hugs, kisses or a "big squeeze".
Biting while breastfeeding or being held: Babies whose teeth are just coming through may bite during breastfeeding. In this case, calmly pausing the feed briefly and saying "Biting hurts" is usually enough. Big reactions can lead the baby to turn it into an interesting game.
Biting a sibling: A child who bites their baby sibling is often expressing their jealousy and the feeling of being displaced. It is necessary not to leave them alone with the baby, to support the older child in touching the baby gently under adult supervision, and to set aside time for them separately as well.
Biting during rough-and-tumble play: Biting may be seen in games where excitement builds. Calmly applying the rule "If you bite, the game stops" and returning to the game after a short break teaches the child to regulate their excitement.
Relationships with Other Parents: Managing Shame and Guilt
When your child bites another child, it is understandable for the bitten child's family to react. But this reaction can sometimes turn into an escalating discussion in the parents' messaging group or into looks that make you feel excluded. A few principles can help during this process:
- Nurseries generally do not share the name of the child who bit with other families; this is important for protecting children. If you want to give an explanation yourself, choose short and calm language.
- Acknowledging the sadness of the bitten child's family is more soothing than getting defensive: "I'm very sorry, we're working on this together with the teacher."
- Instead of blaming yourself, remember that this behaviour is seen in many young children and that you are working to a plan.
The parent's own emotional burden during this process should not be overlooked either. Looking at the teacher's face at every pick-up with the worry "Did he bite again today?" is exhausting. Sharing these feelings with your partner or someone you trust helps you stay calmer towards your child.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
In most children, biting decreases as language develops. However, if your toddler has been biting for months and the picture isn't changing, or if any of the following situations apply, it can be helpful to talk to a specialist:
- If biting continues frequently and intensely after the age of three
- If the behaviour does not decrease within a few months despite a consistent approach
- If the child bites themselves, causing harm that leaves marks on their body
- If biting is accompanied by signs such as speech delay, difficulty making eye contact, not responding when called by name or repetitive movements
- If the child also frequently shows other aggressive behaviours, and reactions such as hitting and pushing are increasing
- If the nursery has started to question the child's attendance because of the behaviour
These signs do not on their own mean a diagnosis. However, assessing the child's development as a whole helps in planning the right support. For suggestions about children who hit when angry, you can also take a look at our article on when your child hits.
How Is Biting Addressed in Therapy?
When working with children of this age, the main focus is the cooperation built with the parents and, where necessary, with the nursery. In the first meeting, when the biting began, in which situations it appears, the child's language and social development, sleep and eating routines and recent changes in the family are assessed in detail.
In parent guidance based on behavioural principles, a plan is created that fits the function of the biting. For example, sensory alternatives come to the fore for biting that comes from a need to use the mouth, teaching the child simple words and signs for biting that comes from communication, and arranging risky situations in advance for biting that comes from frustration. A cognitive behavioural approach also supports parents in managing their own feelings of anxiety and guilt.
For children aged two and a half to three and over, play therapy can open up space for the child to express anger, jealousy or difficulties in adjusting through play. To learn more about this approach, you can visit our child and play therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
What should I say to the family of the child who was bitten?
A short, sincere expression of regret is usually enough. Long explanations or trying to defend your child can increase tension. Letting them know that you are aware of the situation and are working with the teacher also reassures the other side.
My child bites themselves. Is this normal?
Some young children may bite their own hand or arm in moments of intense anger or frustration. If this is occasional and doesn't leave marks, it may be developmental. If it happens frequently, leaves wounds or appears together with other developmental concerns, a specialist assessment is recommended.
What should I do if the nursery wants to exclude my child for biting?
First, ask to create a concrete plan together with the nursery and for a reasonable amount of time to be allowed for it. Observation notes, preventive arrangements and a shared language between home and nursery often make a noticeable difference. If the problem continues despite the plan being applied, getting support from a specialist will guide both your child and the nursery.
Will biting go away by itself one day?
In most children, biting decreases as speech develops and they become able to express their feelings in words. However, this process is speeded up by consistent and calm responses from adults. Responding to the behaviour in the wrong way can prolong what would otherwise be a temporary phase.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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