The Turkish Community Abroad: Support or Pressure?

Why can the Turkish community abroad be both strength and pressure? Psychological tips on "what will people say" anxiety, isolation and healthy distance.

For many people living abroad, the Turkish community is a lifeline. The people who helped you find a home when you first arrived, with whom you can speak Turkish, who invited you to their table at a religious holiday and who stood beside you at a funeral often come from within this community. But the same community can sometimes be a heavy burden too: an environment in which your every move is talked about, your decisions are filtered through "what will people say" (elalem ne der), and anyone who is different may be shut out. Some people therefore move away from the community altogether, and then meet a deep loneliness of a different kind. In this article we look at the Turkish community's protective and challenging sides from a mental health perspective, the signs of isolation, and ways of building a healthy balance for yourself. Our aim is not to criticise any community, association or group, but to understand the psychological side of this relationship.

What Does the Turkish Community Mean When You Live Abroad?

People who migrate to a new country often come together with others who share their language, culture and experiences. This is a natural tendency seen all over the world. Turkish communities, too, are organised in many different forms: associations, places of worship, cultural centres, sports clubs, circles of local tradespeople, student societies, online groups and networks of relatives.

The support a community provides is very valuable:

• Practical help: Finding housing, finding work, guidance with official procedures, translation
• Emotional support: Being understood, not having to explain the cultural context, having someone to confide in
• Identity and continuity: Staying connected to your roots through religious holidays, weddings and traditions
• A cultural environment for children: The chance to speak Turkish, cultural events, family friends
• Solidarity in times of crisis: Being there during illness, bereavement, funerals and financial hardship

On the other hand, the Turkish community is not uniform. People from different regions, different migration periods, different worldviews and different lifestyles are found side by side. A person's experience of the community can differ greatly depending on where they stand within this diversity.

From Support to Pressure: Signs of Strain in the Turkish Community

The community can sometimes place an invisible pressure on a person. This pressure is not always experienced as open criticism; more often it is an anxiety the person carries within. The following signs may suggest that your relationship with the community is beginning to weigh on you:

• Making important decisions (marriage, divorce, career, clothing, parenting) by first thinking "what will others say"
• Feeling tired, tense or hurt after community events instead of relaxed
• Hiding some aspects of your life from people in the community
• Being afraid of becoming, or having already been, the subject of gossip
• Not asking for help because you fear everyone will find out
• Not sharing a psychological difficulty with anyone for fear of being stigmatised
• Not wanting to take part in the community but fearing you will be excluded if you do not
• Believing that your children's behaviour will determine your reputation within the community

These signs do not mean that the community is bad. They more often suggest that your boundaries and needs are not being sufficiently respected in this relationship. We have covered the subject of stigma separately in our article on stigma abroad.

Why Is the Effect So Strong? The Cultural and Psychological Context

The "what will people say?" anxiety. In Turkish culture, family and community reputation is an important value. Abroad, as the community gets smaller and people know one another more closely, this anxiety can grow stronger. Something one person does can be attached to the name of their whole family.

Tightening that comes with being a minority. Groups that feel like a minority in the society they live in may tend to hold their internal rules more tightly in order to protect their identity. This is an understandable result of the effort to preserve identity; however, it can narrow the room for flexibility for individuals.

Norms frozen in time. In some communities, norms may have been shaped by the Turkey of the years when migration began. Many things that have changed in Turkey may change more slowly in the community abroad.

Relationships of dependence. For people who face a language barrier or who found their job or housing through the community, moving away from it may also seem risky in practical terms. This makes it harder for the person to set boundaries.

The need to belong. Human beings are creatures who need to belong. The fear of being excluded by the community is felt very strongly because it threatens this basic need.

A healthy relationship with a community makes you feel you belong while leaving you room to be yourself.

The other side of isolation: Cutting off from the community completely

Some people move away from the Turkish community altogether because they feel overwhelmed by community pressure, because they have had a bad experience, or because they think their way of life will not be accepted. This decision can sometimes be a relief. Over time, however, other difficulties may emerge:

• Deep loneliness at religious holidays, on special days and in times of loss
• Having no one to speak to in their mother tongue who shares the cultural context
• Children's ties with Turkish and Turkish culture weakening
• Being unable to find practical support in a crisis
• The feeling of "I haven't been able to connect fully with either the Turks or the people who live here"

Isolation can be felt more heavily by people who also face a language barrier, older people, those who came to follow a spouse and new mothers. The aim here is not to push a person to return to the community, but to review whether there are other ties in their life that provide support.

Sometimes the break comes from generalising a single bad experience. A person who meets a hurtful reaction at an association, at a wedding or in a social media group may conclude that "Turks are always like this." This generalisation tries to protect the person, but it can also remove the chance of meeting other people who could do them good. One circle not suiting you does not mean that the whole community is closed to you.

The Effect on the Family and Children

The relationship with the community also directly affects family dynamics.

In parenting decisions. Some parents, when making decisions for their children, may put the community's expectations ahead of the child's needs. For example, whether a teenager is allowed to go on a school trip, take part in a sport or have certain friendships may be decided according to the question "what will people think". This can lead to conflict between the young person and the parent.

In marriage. One spouse may be very attached to the community while the other is more distant. This difference can create tension over how weekends are spent, visits, weddings and how much of the family's private matters are shared. Problems in a marriage may be kept secret for a long time because of the worry of being talked about in the community, and seeking help may be put off.

In divorce and separation. People who want a divorce, women in particular, may face intense social pressure in some circles. This pressure can make it harder for the person to make their decision and to build a new life afterwards.

Imagine a thirty-five-year-old woman who has been unhappy in her marriage for a long time. Her conversations with her husband lead nowhere. She wants support from a therapist but is afraid that acquaintances in the community will hear of it. When she opens up to her mother, the answer is, "Don't tell these things to outsiders, everyone will hear." The woman feels alone both in her marriage and in her community. In this example, it is not the community itself but the worry about privacy that keeps the person away from help. For more on family pressure abroad, you can read our article on family pressure abroad.

What You Can Do to Build a Healthy Balance

1. Map your relationships in the community. Write down your relationships within the community on a piece of paper. Who does you good, and after seeing whom do you feel drained? The community is not a single whole; you can choose the people within it who do you good.

2. Tell support from pressure. An offer of help or a suggestion is support if it leaves you the right to choose. If it tries to force you to do something through guilt, shame or the threat of exclusion, it is pressure. Noticing this distinction helps you decide how to respond.

3. Set kind but clear boundaries. Sentences such as "I don't want to talk about this" or "This is a decision about my family" are not rude; they are healthy boundaries. Trying out boundary-setting first on small matters can build your courage.

4. Protect your privacy. Choose consciously whom you share your personal matters with. You do not have to tell everyone everything; equally, it is important to build deep bonds with a few people you trust.

5. Diversify your support network. Alongside the Turkish community, build other ties as well: colleagues, neighbours, friends from different backgrounds, groups you join according to your interests. Not depending on a single circle both reduces pressure and prevents isolation.

6. Question "what will people say" thoughts. When the thought "Everyone will talk about me" comes, ask yourself: Really everyone? Even if they do talk, how much would it affect my life? Is these people's opinion more important than my values? Answering these questions in writing makes it easier to see where anxiety is exaggerating. We often notice that the things we fear being talked about are forgotten within a few days, and that we are the ones carrying the real burden in our own minds.

7. Join the community in your own way. There are options other than moving away from the community entirely or going all in. It is possible to attend only religious holiday events, to take part in the cultural activities of a particular association, or to keep close relationships with just a few families.

8. Look for like-minded people. There may be other people in the community who think as you do and face similar difficulties. Connecting with them helps you feel less alone.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Seeking professional support can be helpful in the following situations:

• If you cannot make important decisions because of community pressure and are experiencing intense anxiety as a result
• If you feel prolonged sadness, anger or shame after gossip, exclusion or pressure
• If you are experiencing deep loneliness and low mood after moving away from the community
• If your marriage or family relationships are strained by conflicts rooted in the community
• If you have been unable to share your emotional difficulties with anyone for a long time for fear of stigma

If you are being exposed to threats, violence or coercion by your family or those around you, your safety comes first. In a crisis, and if you have thoughts of harming yourself, call the emergency number of the country you are in: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 or 112 in the United Kingdom, 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and local support services are necessary.

How Does Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue Work?

For people experiencing community pressure, one of the biggest obstacles is the worry about privacy: "What if someone finds out?" Online sessions can allow a person to get support from their own home, without worrying about being seen within the community. Confidentiality is a fundamental principle in psychotherapy; what is discussed in sessions is not shared with third parties, except for legal obligations and serious safety risks. Working in your mother tongue can make it easier to be understood without having to explain the emotional weight of concepts such as elalem (other people's opinion), ayıp (shameful) and itibar (reputation). For detailed information, you can look at the page for Turks living abroad.

In a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)-based approach, the following areas can be addressed:

• The need for approval: Noticing and loosening core beliefs such as "Everyone must approve of me"
• Working with shame and guilt: Understanding where these feelings come from and building a more compassionate relationship with them
• Boundary-setting skills: Rehearsing difficult conversations through role play
• Social support network: Strengthening and diversifying the relationships in a person's life that provide support
• Values-based decision-making: Making decisions in line with the person's own values rather than other people's expectations

For online sessions, a room at home where no one can hear you, and headphones, are important for privacy. A time suited to the time difference can be arranged; payment can be made online. You will need to check the conditions in the country where you live for insurance reimbursement. You can find information on how sessions work on the online therapy page.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it wrong to move away from the Turkish community?

No, you have the right to choose what is healthy for you. However, rather than cutting off completely, keeping a few ties that do you good and building other sources of support can reduce the risk of loneliness. What matters is finding a balance that suits your needs.

Would someone from the community find out that I am in therapy?

Confidentiality is a fundamental principle in psychotherapy. What is discussed in a session is not shared with third parties, except for legal obligations and serious safety risks. Online sessions also allow you to get support from your own home without running into anyone.

I was very hurt by gossip. How can I recover?

First take your feelings seriously; being hurt is an understandable reaction. Talking with a few people you trust, looking at the event from different angles and noticing self-blaming thoughts can help. If the effects continue for a long time, you can consider professional support.

I need the community so that my children learn Turkish culture, but I also feel pressure. What should I do?

It is possible to make use of the cultural opportunities the community offers your children while making family decisions according to your own values. Taking part in cultural events is not the same as complying with every expectation of the community. Talking through this balance with your spouse can make things easier.

• #Turkish community
• #isolation
• #what will people say
• #social support
• #living abroad

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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