Children Who Witness Domestic Violence: The Invisible Marks of Violence at Home

What do children who witness domestic violence go through? The hidden effects of violence at home, signs by age, safety steps and ways to support a child.

Shouting rises from the living room in the middle of the night, and something falls to the floor and breaks. The six-year-old is under the duvet, ears covered, holding their breath. When morning comes, everyone behaves as if nothing has happened. The bruise on their mother's arm is explained with "I walked into the door." The child goes to school, but their mind stays at home. Many adults believe that as long as a child does not experience violence directly, they are not affected by it: "They were asleep", "They were little, they don't understand", "Nobody ever raised a hand to them." Yet research and clinical experience show that, in terms of its effects, the difference between children who witness domestic violence and children who experience violence directly is not as great as is often assumed. In this article we look at the effects on a child of witnessing violence at home, the signs that may be seen at different ages, the steps that can be taken for the child's safety and how a child can be supported during recovery.

Important note: if you or your child are in danger right now, call 112 (emergency services) for urgent help. ALO 183 (Turkey's social support hotline) also provides information and referral on domestic violence.

What Does Witnessing Violence Mean?

Witnessing violence is not limited to seeing a physical attack with one's own eyes. A child can also witness violence in the following ways:

• Hearing shouting, threats, or the sounds of hitting or things breaking from the next room
• Seeing a parent's injuries, tears or fear after the violence
• Noticing broken belongings or rooms turned upside down at home
• Witnessing the police arriving at the home, or a parent fleeing the house
• Living in a constantly tense atmosphere in which danger can be sensed
• Watching one parent humiliate the other, threaten them verbally or control them financially

Even when there is no physical violence, ongoing verbal, emotional or financial abuse also damages a child's sense of safety. Ordinary arguments between a child's parents that happen now and then and are repaired are not the same thing as violence that involves fear, control and harm. What we are talking about here is violence that threatens the child's world.

In Turkey, domestic violence is often covered up with the attitude "Let it stay within the family." The parent subjected to violence may hear advice from the extended family such as "Put up with it for the children's sake" or "These things happen in a marriage." Yet what is truly harmful for children is not their parents separating but growing up in a home where violence continues. Staying silent for the child's sake often means the child continuing to carry this burden in silence. It is possible for the person who uses violence to get professional support to change this behaviour too; however, this process should only be raised once the safety of the child and the other parent has been secured.

What Do Children Who Witness Domestic Violence Go Through?

In a child's world, parents are the source of safety. When one of these parents harms the other, the child is left in a position of being both someone who needs protecting and someone who cannot be protected. This situation can leave deep and often invisible emotional marks.

Children who witness domestic violence usually experience the following feelings together:

• Fear: Not knowing when the next fight will happen keeps a child constantly on alert. Even the sound of the door opening, the time their father comes home or a raised tone of voice can create fear.
• Helplessness: Being unable to protect a parent they love creates a deep sense of powerlessness in a child.
• Guilt: Children often think the fights happen because of them. They may think, "If I'd been better behaved, they wouldn't have fought."
• Loyalty conflict: A child may also love the parent who uses violence. They are caught between this love and their fear and anger.
• Shame and secrecy: The message "Don't tell anyone what happens at home" leads a child to carry their burden alone.
• Anger: A child may feel anger both towards the parent who uses violence and towards the parent who does not protect them.

Violence leaves its mark not only on the body that takes the blow, but also on the mind of the child who hears it, sees it and has to act the next morning as if nothing has happened.

Signs That May Be Seen at Different Ages

Infancy and early childhood (ages 0–3)

Although babies do not understand what is happening, they feel the tension at home in their bodies. At this stage, excessive restlessness, frequent crying, sleep and feeding problems, being startled excessively by loud noises and delays in developmental milestones may be seen.

The preschool years (ages 3–6)

• Regressive behaviour: wetting themselves, thumb-sucking, baby talk
• Difficulty separating from a parent, constant clinging
• Nightmares, fear of the dark and of being alone
• Acting out scenes of violence again and again in play
• Aggressive behaviour or extreme withdrawal

School age (ages 7–12)

• Difficulty with attention and concentration, a drop in school performance
• Physical complaints such as tummy aches and headaches
• Conflicts with friends or withdrawing from friends
• Taking on excessive responsibility: protecting siblings, comforting a parent
• Not wanting to go home, or, on the contrary, never wanting to leave home
• Being constantly on alert to sense adults' anger

Adolescence (ages 13–18)

• Staying away from home, coming home late
• Risk-taking behaviour, substance use
• Intense anger or deep hopelessness
• Self-harming behaviour
• The risk of repeating similar patterns in romantic relationships
• Physically confronting the parent who uses violence

Siblings may react differently even when they live through the same events in the same home. One may be angry and restless while the other seems quiet and overly compliant. The quiet child who "never causes any trouble" is often overlooked; yet they may need just as much support as their sibling.

None of these signs alone proves that a child has witnessed violence; however, when a child shows these signs, it is necessary to be curious about the environment they live in and to assess it carefully.

The Long-Term Effects of Domestic Violence

The effects of witnessing violence may not stay in childhood. When appropriate support is not received, these experiences can leave marks that reach into adulthood:

• Problems with safety and trust: Perceiving the world as dangerous and people as unpredictable
• Difficulties with emotional regulation: Struggling to manage anger, anxiety and sadness
• Relationship patterns: The risk of accepting violence as normal in close relationships, or of using violence
• Mental health problems: Anxiety, depression and symptoms of post-traumatic stress
• Problems with self-worth: Seeing oneself as worthless, guilty or undeserving of love

However, these outcomes are not inevitable. A significant proportion of children who have lived through this experience can recover to a large extent from its effects with a safe environment and supportive relationships. You can find more information about the experiences of adults who witnessed violence in childhood in the article on having witnessed violence as a child.

How Can Children Who Witness Domestic Violence Be Supported?

Safety first

The first and most important condition for a child's recovery is that the violence ends and a safe environment is provided. While the violence continues, no method of support can be effective enough.

• If there is immediate danger, call 112.
• You can get information and referral from ALO 183, the social support hotline.
• Create a safety plan by getting in touch with someone close to you whom you trust, a lawyer or the relevant authorities.
• Teach your child, in an age-appropriate way, what to do in a moment of danger: for example going to a safe room, knocking on a neighbour's door or calling 112.

Talking with your child

Talking with a child about violence can be difficult; but staying silent leaves the child alone with what they have been through.

• Acknowledge what they have been through. Saying "You saw and heard what happened at home. That was very frightening" validates the child's experience.
• Tell them it is not their fault. Give the message "This didn't happen because of you. Children are not responsible for adults' behaviour" again and again.
• State that violence is unacceptable. Saying "Nobody has the right to hit anybody. This is wrong behaviour" stops the child from accepting violence as normal.
• Do not demean the other parent. When talking about the parent who uses violence, criticise the behaviour without forbidding the love the child feels for that person. A child should be able to say, "I love my dad, but I'm scared of what he does."
• Make room for their feelings. When the child expresses their anger, fear or longing, listen, without trying to correct or steer them.

Support in daily life

• Provide routine and predictability. Regular mealtimes, sleep and school times calm a child's nervous system.
• Offer physical closeness. A hug, sitting beside them and a calm tone of voice send a stronger message of safety than words.
• Support play and creative expression. Drawing, playing or writing stories helps a child express feelings they cannot put into words.
• Work together with the school. Talking with the teacher or the school counselling service about the child's needs, without putting safety at risk, also creates a supportive environment at school.
• Get support for yourself too. The recovery of the parent who has been subjected to violence is directly linked to the child's recovery.
• Do not let them become the parent. After violence, some children turn into little adults who comfort their mother and look after their siblings. While appreciating the child's wish to help, giving the message "This is a job for adults; you carry on being a child" protects them from a role they cannot carry.

Imagine a nine-year-old boy who, after taking refuge with his mother at his aunt's home, checks again and again every night whether the door is locked and cannot sleep. His mother turns it into a ritual to check the door once with him every night and say, "The door is locked, we're here, we're safe." Together with professional support, this small ritual helps the child to sleep more calmly over time.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

It is recommended that every child who has witnessed violence is assessed by a professional. Getting support is especially important in the following situations:

• If nightmares, sudden fear reactions or intense startle responses are continuing
• If the child is clearly struggling at school or withdrawing from friends
• If aggressive behaviour or intense outbursts of anger are seen
• If regressive behaviours continue for a long time
• If the child repeats what they have been through in play constantly and with distress
• If a teenager shows signs of self-harm, substance use or hopelessness

If your child talks about wanting to hurt themselves or wanting to die, take it seriously, and in an emergency call 112. The article on post-traumatic stress disorder can offer additional information on long-lasting trauma reactions. These signs alone do not amount to a diagnosis; an assessment should be carried out by a professional.

How Is Therapy Carried Out With Children Who Have Witnessed Violence?

The first condition for working with children who have witnessed violence is that the child is safe now. The therapeutic process begins with building a safe relationship. With young children, child and play therapy has an important place. In the playroom, the child expresses what they have been through from a safe distance, through toys, figures and stories. The therapist accompanies the child as they make sense of these experiences and regain a sense of strength.

With school-age children and teenagers, trauma-focused cognitive behavioural approaches can be used. In this approach the child processes traumatic memories in a controlled and safe way, notices thoughts such as "It was my fault" and develops coping skills.

Sessions with the protective parent are an essential part of the process. The parent being able to cope with their own trauma and learning how to support their child is one of the strongest sources of recovery for children who witness domestic violence.

Frequently Asked Questions

My child was asleep. Could they still have been affected?

Yes. Even when children seem to be asleep, they can hear the sounds, and the next day they may notice the tension at home and the state their parent is in. It is important to watch for changes in your child's behaviour and to raise the subject gently.

Does contact with the parent who used violence harm the child?

This depends on the nature of the violence, the child's safety and the parent's efforts to change their behaviour. Decisions about contact should be made with the child's safety and wellbeing in mind, with legal and professional support where necessary.

My child defends the parent who used violence. Is that normal?

Yes, this is very common. A child may love both parents and experience a loyalty conflict. It is important to accept these feelings without judgement, while stating clearly that the violence was wrong.

Will a child who witnesses domestic violence become violent later in life?

This is not an inevitable outcome. Most children who have witnessed violence grow into adults who can form healthy relationships, with a safe environment, supportive relationships and, where needed, professional support. Early intervention reduces the risk of negative patterns being repeated.

• #domestic violence
• #childhood trauma
• #family conflict
• #child safety

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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