How does online parent counselling work? A guide for Turkish families raising children abroad on two cultures, language, boundaries and behaviour problems.
Your child comes home from school and starts speaking to you not in Turkish but in the language of the school. The rules in their friends' families are different from those in your home, and you often hear the sentence "But their mum lets them." Grandparents are thousands of kilometres away, you do not fully know the school system, and you realise that the parenting model from your own childhood does not always work here. Raising children abroad is a journey full of love, but at times tiring and confusing. When online parent counselling is available in your mother tongue, thinking things through with someone who knows the cultural context can make this journey easier for some families. In this article we look at the challenges of parenting abroad, how parent counselling works and concrete steps you can apply at home.
What Is Parent Counselling? How Does Online Parent Counselling Work?
Parent counselling is a support process in which mothers and fathers work through the difficulties they meet in raising children together with a specialist. The aim here is not to criticise parents with "you're doing it wrong", but to understand together the child's stage of development, their needs and the meaning behind their behaviour.
The following subjects are generally covered in parent counselling:
- Developmental expectations appropriate to the child's age
- Behavioural difficulties such as tantrums, defiance, and sleep and eating problems
- Sibling jealousy
- Adjustment to school and study habits
- Screen use
- Communication and boundaries in adolescence
- Explaining major changes such as divorce, moving or loss to the child
In online parent counselling, sessions are held by video. Most often only the parents are seen; when necessary and appropriate, sessions with the child can also be planned. If the mother and father are in different cities or countries, it is also possible to connect from two separate places.
Signs That Parents May Need Support
Every parent struggles, feels helpless or does not know what to do from time to time. This does not mean you are not a good parent. However, the following signs may show that getting support could be helpful:
- If your daily life with your child has turned into a constant battleground
- If your child's tantrums, fears or behaviour problems go beyond what is expected for their age
- If you keep receiving feedback from school about your child's behaviour or adjustment
- If you and your partner often have deep disagreements about raising children
- If you constantly feel tired, impatient or guilty
- If communication with your teenage child has almost broken down
- If your child refuses to speak Turkish and this upsets you deeply
- If there has been a major change in the family such as a loss, a divorce or a move
These signs alone do not mean there is a problem with your child. Sometimes simply reviewing the parents' perspective and approach can change the atmosphere at home noticeably.
Factors That Make Parenting Harder Abroad
Being caught between two cultures
A child learns Turkish culture at home, and the culture of the country they live in at school and on the street. Parents want the child to keep their own roots while also adapting to the society they live in. These two goals may clash from time to time. For example, the expectations of the two cultures may differ on respect for elders, family decisions, sleepovers at a friend's house or young people's freedom.
Language
While children quickly master the school language, their Turkish may weaken. Parents, on the other hand, may not know the local language as well as their children. This can create communication gaps within the family. Some parents worry that their children will forget Turkish, while others fear their children will fall behind at school. We have covered this subject in detail in the article on bilingual children.
The absence of a support network
In Turkey, raising a child is often a "village job": maternal and paternal grandmothers, aunts and neighbours step in. Abroad, parents are often on their own. This loneliness can lead to burnout, especially for parents with small children. Having no one to ask for help in times of illness, a heavy workload or the birth of a new baby adds to the weight on parents' shoulders. Noticing this burden and trying to build a small support network through local parent groups, neighbours or Turkish associations can make an important difference in the long run.
Not knowing the school system
The education system of the country you live in may work differently from the one in Turkey. Parents may struggle to understand the school's expectations, how assessment is done or the referral processes. This can increase anxiety and uncertainty.
What we carry from our own childhood
Many parents unknowingly repeat the parenting model they saw from their own mother and father. Some aspects of this model are valuable; others may not work in the new environment and with today's children. The thought "My father did this to me and I turned out fine" can sometimes make it harder to try new approaches.
The Effect of Parenting Problems Abroad on Children
Children sense their parents' stress, loneliness and anxiety. A constantly tense home environment can make a child feel unsafe. When parents often disagree with each other about raising children, the child receives inconsistent messages and does not know which rule applies.
Children caught between two cultures can sometimes experience confusion about their own identity. A child who is expected to behave "like a Turk" at home while trying to behave "like a local" at school can grow tired between two worlds. This can become more marked in adolescence; the adolescent counselling page can give information on this.
Imagine an eight-year-old boy in a family living in Austria who has been having frequent tantrums in recent months and fighting with friends at school. At first his parents see this as "naughtiness" and increase the punishments. Later they find out that the child's name is being mocked at school and that he cannot tell them about it at home. This fictional example shows that children's behaviour is often the expression of a feeling that cannot be put into words.
On the other hand, children who can carry two cultures together can also gain important strengths from this experience: flexibility, empathy, the ability to understand different perspectives and more than one language. When parents see and support these strengths, it increases the child's self-confidence.
Concrete Steps You Can Apply at Home
1. Set aside a short "special time" every day
Every day, for ten to fifteen minutes, with phones off, keep your child company in an activity of their choosing. During this time do not direct, correct or try to teach; simply accompany them with interest. This small habit strengthens the bond with the child and can help reduce behaviour problems.
2. Name feelings
When your child is angry or sad, first name their feeling: "You got very cross because you didn't want the game to end." Accepting the feeling does not mean accepting the behaviour; but it helps the child calm down. Doing this in Turkish also enriches the child's Turkish vocabulary for feelings.
3. Notice positive behaviour
Parents often pay attention only to problem behaviour. Yet noticing the child's good behaviour and saying so increases the likelihood that those behaviours will be repeated. Use concrete sentences such as "I saw you give your toy to your sister, that was lovely."
4. Set few but clear rules
Decide on the basic rules at home together with your partner. Keep the rules few, clear and appropriate to the child's age. Say in advance what will happen when a rule is not followed, and be consistent. Consistency is more effective than harshness.
5. Present Turkish as a bond, not an obligation
Instead of forcing your child to speak Turkish, link Turkish with enjoyable moments: Turkish fairy tales, songs, games, video calls with grandparents. Even if your child answers you in another language, you can keep speaking Turkish.
6. Work together with the school
Try to attend school meetings. If you struggle with the language, tell the school; some schools can offer translation support or give written information. Regular contact with the teacher means problems are noticed early.
7. Take good care of yourself too
It is hard for a tired and exhausted parent to be patient. Give yourself small breaks and, if possible, build solidarity with other families you trust. Paying attention to your own needs is not selfish; it is a condition for being able to accompany your child better.
8. When talking with a teenager, listen first
In adolescence, young people turn more towards their friends than their parents; this is a natural part of development. When your teenage child tells you something, giving advice straight away, criticising, or starting with "In our day..." can cut the conversation short. Listen first with curiosity, ask questions and try to understand their point of view. Relaxed conversations in the car, on a walk or while preparing food together are often more productive than "serious talks" held sitting face to face. While keeping your clear boundaries on safety, give the young person the chance to make choices in areas appropriate to their age.
9. Set screen rules together
In families abroad, screens can be both a way of staying in touch with relatives in Turkey and a source of conflict. Talk as a family about screen time and about screen use at the dining table and in the bedroom. When the rules apply to parents too, the child finds it easier to accept them.
You do not need to be a perfect parent. Children learn a great deal from parents who make mistakes but then know how to repair them.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
You may consider approaching a child and adolescent mental health specialist or a parent counsellor in the following situations:
- If your child's behaviour or feelings have changed markedly for several weeks
- If school, friendships or family relationships have been seriously affected
- If your child is experiencing intense fears, sleep problems or physical complaints
- If your child is being bullied or excluded at school
- If there has been a major change or loss in the family
- If you feel exhausted and helpless as a parent
If your child or teenager shows signs of self-harm or talks about ending their life, seek local support without delay. In an emergency, call the emergency number of the country you are in: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 or 112 in the United Kingdom, 000 in Australia. Online counselling is not an emergency intervention service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and local child psychiatry services are necessary.
How Does Online Parent Counselling Work in Your Mother Tongue?
Parents often find it easiest to describe their worries about their children, their own childhood experiences and family dynamics in their mother tongue. Parent counselling in your mother tongue can make it easier to talk without having to explain the cultural context, such as "This is how children are treated in our culture." This support can also be carried out alongside your child's school or the children's services in the country you live in.
In a cognitive behavioural-based parent counselling, the following steps are generally followed:
- Assessment: Your child's developmental history, daily routine, school situation and your own observations are discussed. If necessary, feedback from school is also reviewed.
- Understanding the function of the behaviour: When, where and in what situations the problem behaviour occurs, and what keeps it going, are examined together.
- Parenting skills: Work is done on positive attention, clear instructions, consistent boundaries, emotion coaching and techniques for staying calm.
- Parents' thoughts: Thoughts such as "I'm a bad mother" or "My child never listens to me" and their effect on parenting are addressed.
- Sessions with the child when needed: At suitable ages and in suitable situations, play-based or age-appropriate sessions with the child can be planned. You can look at the child and play therapy page on this.
Sessions are planned taking into account the time difference and the family's daily schedule. During parent sessions it is preferable for the child to be occupied in another room. Payment is made online; pricing is in TL and payment by international card is possible. For insurance reimbursement, you need to check the insurance conditions in the country where you live. For more information, you can look at the Turks living abroad page.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can parent counselling be effective online?
Because parent counselling is largely based on sessions with parents, it is a field well suited to being carried out online. Applying the suggested skills at home and reviewing the results in sessions is an important part of the process.
Does my child need to take part in the sessions too?
Not always. In many cases, working with the parents can be enough. Whether sessions with the child are needed is assessed together, according to the child's age and the difficulty being experienced.
My partner and I have different approaches to parenting. Can we take part together?
Yes, both parents taking part together is often helpful. Developing a shared language and a consistent approach helps the child feel safer.
My child doesn't want to speak Turkish. Can I get support with this too?
Yes. A child keeping their distance from Turkish is a common issue in families abroad. The reasons for this and ways of presenting Turkish as a tool for building connection rather than pressure can be addressed in parent sessions.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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