How do teenagers experience identity confusion abroad? Signs in young people growing up between two cultures, and practical ways families can support them.
"When I go to Turkey they call me 'Almancı' (a German-raised Turk), and here I'm a foreigner. So what am I?" This sentence, which many young people growing up abroad say at some point, carries the most basic question of adolescence: Who am I? Adolescence is a time when every young person searches for their identity, tries to separate from their family and to form their own values. For young people growing up between two cultures this search can be a little more complicated, because the world at home and the world at school, and the values of the family and those of the circle of friends, do not always point in the same direction. In this article we look at teenage identity development in the context of living abroad; we explain the signs and causes of identity confusion and how families can accompany their teenagers through this process. The experience of teenage identity abroad can often be seen not as a problem but as the painful birth of a richness.
What Is the Search for Identity in Adolescence? How Is It Experienced Abroad?
Adolescence is a period of intense physical, emotional and social change in the transition from childhood to adulthood. In this period the young person grapples with the questions "Who am I, what do I believe in, where do I belong, what do I want to be?" They try out different identities, sometimes question their family's values, and sometimes make great efforts to resemble their friends. This process of trial and error is necessary for a healthy identity to form.
For Turkish young people growing up abroad, the search for identity is experienced on more than one level:
- Cultural identity: Turkish, a citizen of the country they live in, both, or neither?
- Language identity: In which language do they think, in which do they dream, in which do they express themselves more comfortably?
- Religious and value identity: What balance are they striking between the religious and cultural values of the family and those of school and their circle of friends?
- Social identity: Which group of friends do they belong to? Turkish friends, local friends, or friends from other migrant groups?
These questions have no single right answer. Many young people over time develop an identity that carries the two cultures together, one in which they can say "I am from both here and there". But this journey can sometimes be tough. We also cover this subject from an adult perspective in our article on identity between two cultures.
Symptoms and Signs of Identity Confusion
The search for identity is a natural part of adolescence. However, some signs can show that the young person is struggling in this process:
- Rejecting their Turkish identity completely; absolutely not wanting to speak Turkish, attend family events or visit Turkey.
- Or, on the contrary, rejecting the culture of the country they live in completely, withdrawing from school and local friends.
- Frequently voicing thoughts such as "I don't belong anywhere" or "Nobody understands me".
- Constant, intense conflicts with the family, especially over matters such as clothes, choice of friends, going out at night and dating.
- Living a hidden "second life" from the family; being one person at home and another outside.
- A drop in school performance, not wanting to go to school.
- Withdrawal, long-lasting unhappiness, angry outbursts.
- Telling you they are experiencing discrimination, or never telling you about these experiences but showing them through changed behaviour.
- An increase in risky behaviour: substance use, dangerous groups of friends, spending excessive time online.
Imagine a fifteen-year-old who was born and raised in the Netherlands and who in recent months has hardly spoken any Turkish at home. They do not want to come to Bayram visits and avoid video calls with their cousins in Turkey. Their mother interprets this as "They're forgetting their roots" and is saddened. Yet one evening the teenager explains that a friend at school made fun of their name and that since that day they have been ashamed of looking "different". The behaviour that seems from the outside to be a rejection of Turkish identity is in fact an effort to protect themselves. This example shows how important it is to understand the feeling behind a young person's behaviour.
These signs alone do not amount to a diagnosis. But they may show that your teenager cannot put into words the conflict they are in and may need support.
Why Does Teenage Identity Confusion Happen Abroad?
Being Caught Between Two Different Value Systems
In many Turkish families, family ties, respect for elders, social appearance and the worry of "what will people say" hold an important place. In the country where they live, individuality, independence and making one's own decisions at an early age may be encouraged. The young person may receive the message "say what you think" at school and the message "don't answer back to your elders" at home. Being caught between these two messages can lead the young person to feel divided.
The "Neither Here Nor There" Experience
Young people growing up abroad are seen as "foreigners" in the country where they live, and when they go to Turkey they may encounter labels such as "Almancı" or "gurbetçi" (diaspora Turk) because of their accent, behaviour or Turkish. Not being fully accepted on either side can damage the sense of belonging.
Discrimination and Prejudice
Prejudice based on name, appearance, religion or origin can affect how the young person sees themselves. In the face of these experiences, some young people cling more tightly to Turkish identity while others may try to move away from it. Both reactions are understandable strategies aimed at self-protection.
Parents' Own Migration Story
Parents may unknowingly pass on to their children their own migration experiences, losses and longing. The sentence "We came here for you" can place an invisible debt on the young person. Some parents tighten the rules even more because they fear their children are moving away from Turkish culture. This can clash with the teenager's need for independence and increase tension.
Language and Emotional Closeness
When the young person's dominant language is that of the country where they live and the parent's dominant language is Turkish, deep emotional conversations can become harder. The young person may think about their feelings in a language the parent does not fully understand, and the parent may in turn find it hard to reach their teenager's inner world.
Social Media and Identity Pressure
While social media offers young people a space to try out different identities, it can also bring comparison, exclusion and polarisation. A young person exposed to debates both in Turkey and in the country where they live may feel even more caught between these two worlds.
Identity is not a choice but a jigsaw puzzle; the young person's task is not to throw away one of the pieces but to find a picture in which there is room for all of them.
The Effect of the Search for Identity on the Family and Relationships
Conflicts between a teenager searching for identity and their parent can be among the hardest times for a family. While the parent fears "losing" their child, the young person may feel misunderstood and controlled. These mutual fears can lead to a breakdown in communication.
Differences can also be seen between siblings. One sibling may stay closer to Turkish identity while another may feel closer to the culture of the country they live in. This should not give rise to distinctions in the family between "good child" and "bad child".
The attitude of the extended family in Turkey is also an important factor. When grandparents, uncles and aunts criticise the young person's changes, the parent can be caught between the two sides. Giving the young person the message "I'm trying to understand your life here" can be effective in reducing tension in the family. For more information about teenager-parent conflicts, you can read our article on teenager-parent conflict while living abroad.
What Families Can Do: Concrete Steps
Listen with Curiosity, Ask Without Judgement
Ask open-ended questions such as "How do you feel at school?", "What does being Turkish mean to you?" and "Where do you see yourself among your friends?" Listen without trying to correct the answer. Understanding your teenager's perspective does not mean you have to agree with them.
"Both This and That" Instead of "Either This or That"
Let your teenager feel that they do not have to choose one of the two cultures. Open a space in which they can embrace both the values of Turkish culture and the positive sides of the country they live in. The message "You can be from both here and there" helps the young person to unite their identity rather than divide it.
Talk About the Rules Together
Rules do not disappear entirely in adolescence, but it is important to take the young person's view into account. For example, try to find a middle way together on curfews, social media use or visits to friends. A young person finds it easier to follow rules they have had a say in.
Share Your Own Migration Story
Tell them why you migrated, what you lost and what you gained. This can help your teenager understand the family's history and position their own identity within this story. But take care not to turn this story into the pressure of "We made sacrifices for you."
Keep the Connection with Turkey Going Without Forcing It
Visits to Turkey, Turkish books, films or music can help the young person connect with their roots. But present these as an invitation, not an obligation. Let the young person discover elements of Turkish culture that suit their own interests.
Take Experiences of Discrimination Seriously
Do not belittle the discrimination or mockery your teenager experiences. Instead of saying "Forget it, don't mind", ask "That must have upset you a lot, what did you feel?" If necessary, work with the school.
Manage Your Own Anxiety
Your teenager's change can awaken loss, fear or anger in you. Talking about these feelings with your partner, with people you trust or with a specialist helps you approach your teenager more calmly and supportively.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
You may consider seeking support from a specialist in the following situations:
- Your teenager has long-lasting unhappiness, hopelessness or withdrawal.
- Conflicts in the family noticeably make daily life harder and communication has almost broken down.
- School performance has dropped seriously or absence from school has increased.
- You have concerns about substance use, risky behaviour or dangerous groups of friends.
- You think your teenager is deeply affected by discrimination or bullying.
- There are marked changes in eating, sleep or self-image.
If your teenager talks about thoughts of harming themselves, if you have noticed them harming themselves, or if their safety is at risk, call the emergency number of the country where you are straight away: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in these situations local emergency services and local child and adolescent psychiatric services are necessary.
School counsellors, school psychologists and youth counselling centres in the country where you live are also important resources. Support in the mother tongue is an option that can be used alongside these services.
How Does Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue Work?
When working with young people growing up between two cultures, the choice of language should be flexible. Some young people speak Turkish comfortably and prefer to talk about family matters in Turkish. Others express their feelings more comfortably in the language of the country where they live; in this case, working with a local specialist may be more suitable. For parents, being able to describe their own worries, family values and migration stories in Turkish is often a relief. For general information aimed at families living abroad, you can look at our page for Turks living abroad.
Work with teenagers based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy generally includes the following elements:
- Exploring identity: A safe space is opened for the young person to notice the different pieces of their identity, their values and their goals.
- Working with thought patterns: Thoughts such as "I don't belong anywhere" or "My family will never understand me" are addressed together with more balanced perspectives.
- Emotion regulation skills: Ways of coping with anger, shame and anxiety are worked on.
- Communication skills: The young person's expression of their needs to the family and the parent's listening skills are worked on.
- Parent sessions: Where necessary, separate sessions are held with parents to support communication in the family.
Respect for the young person's confidentiality is one of the basic principles of working with teenagers; what will be shared with parents is discussed openly from the start. For more information about work with teenagers, you can look at the adolescent counselling page. For online sessions, a private room where the young person feels comfortable and headphones are recommended. A suitable time is set taking the time difference and school timetable into account. Payments can be made online; pricing in TL and payment by international card are possible. For insurance terms, we recommend checking your insurance in the country where you live.
Frequently Asked Questions
My teenager is rejecting their Turkish identity. What should I do?
This is often part of the process of trying out identity in adolescence and may not be permanent. Instead of pushing your teenager, it is more helpful to listen with curiosity and to offer Turkish culture as an invitation. If the rejection comes with intense unhappiness or a rupture in the family, you may consider seeking support.
Is growing up with two cultures harmful for young people?
No. For many young people, growing up with two cultures can bring important gains such as flexibility, understanding different perspectives and two languages. The difficulty lies not in the two cultures themselves but in the young person being left alone to bring these two worlds together.
In which language should therapy be held with my teenager?
This depends on the language in which the young person expresses themselves more comfortably. With young people who speak Turkish comfortably, work can be done in the mother tongue; for those whose local language is more dominant, a local specialist may be more suitable. Parent sessions can be held in Turkish.
How long does the search for teenage identity last?
Although identity development intensifies in adolescence, it can continue until young adulthood. Every young person's pace is different. What matters is that the young person is not left alone in this process and that communication with their family stays open.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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